The Truth About My Heart
Good afternoon champs, it’s a rather foggy day in LA and I’ve got a four pound Pomeranian chilling in my jacket as I type this up for you (Oh shit, that was a lot of prepositional phrases haha). I’ve decided I would write one blog post a day for the next thirty days to break my terrible habit, ha. Additionally, I want to pitch one publication every other day for the next thirty days. When I told my friend about it, her immediate reaction was, “Oh shit dude, that’s a lot.” To be fair, she’s not entirely wrong, I mean I’ve struggled writing more than one post a month for the past five months, but I think it was because I was over thought each post.
Let’s break it down and get real REAL personal with some Wild Writing.
Note: wild writing is writing nonstop for five minutes and the pieces are left unedited, therefore there are bound to be heaps of grammatical errors. Each quote is picked at random, sometimes I am just listening to a song and I'm like ooooooo.
My heart is filled to the brim with love, so much so I find myself giving it away like it's my full-time job. I find no problem in that nor do I ask for the same amount in return. It's just kind of my thing, yet it's been a little tougher lately as the stress in my life starts creeping up. I, after a year, have yet to find stability as my interests shift and I am chasing after things I never quite thought I would. Instead of putting certain things on hold or simply saying no, I find myself with a full plate which often leads to the feeling that I am drowning. In those moments, my head cannot keep up with my heart. I simply do not have the mental capacity to be a rock to anyone because I am barely taking care of myself. With that being said, I don't want anyone to think I am living like a crazed stress ball all of the time, rather there are stints of it. So, the homies who consider me squad mom, I love and appreciate all of you, but I cannot be your rock 100 percent of the time anymore. I am in a new chapter of my life where my priorities are slightly shifting and I am finally finding my footing in a career that I am truly passionate about. Therefore, my attention will sometimes be shifted as well, but that does not mean I am disappearing or giving up my friendly duties, rather I am asking for a little slack. My heart has and always will be the greatest part of me for it is the entire reason I am who I am today. It's created my soft, sensitive and overly compassionate nature but it's also created an inability to say no. Yeah, I think the rant made a full circle just not in chronological order so moral of the story - my heart will always put myself on the back burner, but I would be doing myself a disservice if I continued to live like this. So, I am simply asking for a little breathing room while I do some cool shit and hustle my ass off.
As an individual who is known for being caught up in her own thoughts, this quote hits hard when it reigns true. The freedom to truly be yourself in front of another human, without shame or fear of judgment or embarrassment or what have you, is lovely… a breath of fresh air actually. To not have to calculate your steps or find the perfect formula of words, rather having the comfort to word vomit or simply do endlessly and freely. It’s a feeling I’ve only experienced with a handful of individuals, despite my shameless behavior and raw tendencies. There are only a select few individuals who truly know me, who are allowed a glimpse at the parts of myself I often hide and those select few are my rocks. My muchness does not exist in those relationships... then again, I could just force myself out of my own mind, ha. I don’t know where I am going with this honestly. If anything I am merely talking in circles with a distracted mind ha.
So yeah, that was fun and this is a blog post I will never re-read because I often cringe when I read my five-minute rants over again.
Keep on keepin' on champs! I will see you tomorrow.