Stress Ball

Good afternoon champs, it is already 1:30 in the afternoon and I have yet to get anything done. I am low key irked by that fact, but I also understand the importance of listening to my body. The past two weeks have been filled to the rim with high-stress levels and instead of taking the time to heal, I've pushed my mind and body to a breaking point. I haven't slept well or through the night in about two weeks, which does no one any good, especially not myself. I find myself in a constant state of being on edge, which in turn makes me passive aggressive and rude to those simply trying to help. My appetite is on a pendulum as I go a day without eating or spend a day over eating.  Worst of all, I haven't felt like myself. 

I hesitated to write this post as it displays a not so bubbly side to my life. Additionally, I felt like this post would come across as one giant bitching and moaning pity party. Yet, I think it's important for people to discuss the raw and honest truths in life. The bits and pieces we often hide from the world because we are ashamed of how we will be perceived. 

Note: this post will probably contradict itself a couple times as I often contradict myself in life. I don't claim to be perfect or to have shit figured out, I am winging it one day at a time just like everyone else. 

If you've read anything I've written or have had a conversation with me, I stand strongly behind living a life in the light of raw vulnerability. To a certain extent, the statement is true as I try my best to remain authentic and genuine. Yet, only a rare select few get the messy dark bits of myself. 

With all of that being said, I would like to take this time to discuss my headspace. I have been in Los Angeles for over a year now, which is an accomplishment and a small victory I don't celebrate enough. I am currently employed with two companies, both of which will launch me into the next stage of my life. The only downfall is, I still find myself strapped for cash. I find myself seeking additional gigs and contracts which only leads to me having little to no time to rejuvenate. It also leaves me little to no time to travel and escape the city and run wild with mother earth. 

When I am not working for cash, I am working for passion. I spend about 3-5 hours a night writing or pitching publications. Before you tell me, welcome to the real world, I know. I am surrounded by entrepreneurs, creatives, and freelancers on a daily basis. I've seen the hustles and the side hustles and the endless hours of working at its finest. I've witnessed breakdowns and stress balls, which is why I am here to tell you that it's okay. I am finally learning that it is okay to breakdown and to feel overwhelmed with life when you are running hundred miles per hour almost every day. I am also finally grasping the concept of listening to my body. 

I am not capable of helping anyone if I am not taking care of myself first. So, I guess you could say this is an open letter to myself, a letter I should look back on when I feel like I am not doing enough because I am. 

Honestly, just typing this out helped. Sometimes I feel as if I have to have it all together all of the time as if I am not allowed to be slightly off kilter or broken. Yet, that's not how life works. I spent a good amount of time showing love and kindness to those around me, so why do I struggle to show myself the same consideration? It's kind of twisted but I am doing my best to change that.

From here on out I will listen to my body and my mind more, I will no longer push myself past its breaking point. I am capable of hustling and dream chasing without doing harm.

Keep on keepin' champs. 

You are on your always have been.
— L. Ryan
Casha DoemlandComment