Speaking My Truth

Start where you are.
— Pema Chodron

With the evening coming to an end, the silence consumes the air around me and I am compelled to break down my walls. I am compelled to be raw and vulnerable with you all. 

Earlier this evening I attended the remarkable Natalie Karneef's The Truth About Writing: An Interactive Workshop on Mindfulness and Creativity. The workshop was the perfect combination of a poetic and philosophical talk,five journaling breaks, and a series of three meditations. What more could I or anyone else ask of a workshop? It's the dream team trio dudes. 

The first meditation hit a soft spot and completely opened up my mind, allowing me to get real with myself and now you. The meditation begins with taking a staircase inside your body and then a short elevator ride up to your mind. I envisioned my mind as a library, stacks of books for miles on end. I strolled through the aisles, gliding my fingers across the bindings, noticing each title as a memory of my past or a dream for the future. After a few minutes, I stepped back inside the elevator and headed down to my neck. I strolled around the exterior on the balcony and paused in front of my throat where the chakra is located. My mind drifted over to my reiki healing, where communication via mantras and songs is apart of my healing. (Don't worry, I have a whole nother blog post for you coming this week for that trippy and remarkable experience.) The next stop was the chest and I headed straight to the heart. My heart is displayed like artwork in a museum, embroidered within my chest, each stitch crossed over and taut. My heart tells my story, a combination of scars and vibrant colors emitting love, kindness and compassion. I lingered here for a bit longer than I should before heading back to the elevator and down to my stomach. My stomach is calm, happy and full to the rim with Nasi Goreng. With a quick look around I am back in the elevator and onto my final stop, the pelvis. No need to go into details here, just a few moments wandering around before a straight shot up to the mind. I took a few deep breaths in and out before making my way towards the exit and opening my eyes. 
If that isn't majestic, I do not know what is. 

After meditation, Natalie shared her story and spit straight wisdom. Every fifteen minutes or so we were asked to journal nonstop for two to three minutes. Each entry is copied directly from my journal and showcases the journey I took this evening. The grammar may be off, the sentence structure is for a fact non existent, but the emotions are raw and genuine. I am speaking from my heart, without a filter. So please, go easy on me. 

1. How are you right now?
I am a little bit of a mess but I do not think that is news to anyone. After reiki, I have been living further into the crooks of my mind, into my deepest thoughts and overthinking everything. I am silencing my voice to a new level. I am off. I am no longer riding the high from yesterday. If anything I am low. I do not know how to shake it. I kind of just want to sit in bed for hours on end, spacing out to music and writing until life makes sense again. 

2. What keeps you from writing? What blocks you?
The idea that it has to be produced a certain way, the insecurity of feeling inadequate, that what I have to say should remain with me alone. Honestly, the fear that I am not good enough or that I am too much because I’m always the wrong fit, at least that is how it feels. The need to change my style and my voice, to once again silence or edit it towards anyone’s approval when deep down I know I should be writing for me. I should be writing to speak my truth and to keep that all to myself is stupid.

3. What event in the last two weeks sticks out the most to you?
Frick, well I am in Bali working for a start up travel company that I probably have 10% of knowledge and skill in prior to my arrival. But the moment that sticks out the most is a positive one, less heavy, if anything it’s life changing. Sarah asked if I would like to start a magazine and if I would like to be editor in chief. She basically handed me my dream job on a silver platter when I feel as if I have no portfolio or street cred to back it. It did light a huge fire under my ass to write, it kind of gave me the extra kick I needed to get back in the game with confidence. For that, I am grateful. 

4.What are 5 artist date ideas and 5 artist moments? 
5 Artist Dates: going to the beach, running or hiking a new unexplored territory, enjoying a Classic Hollywood film binge in bed all damn day, visiting the botanical gardens, and falling in love with the artwork in a museum. 
5 Artist Moments: submerging myself into reading quotes on quotes, watching the sunset to good ass music, journaling effortlessly, guided meditation, and catching a glimpse of someone else in their zone and just loving life. 

Those are dates and moments that will promote creativity and inspire me to write (and yes I am aware I wrote journaling, but that leads to chain events and tangents that create ideas to follow). 

5. Think about who you can be the realest around and explain how that feels. 
It is incredible, remarkable, like an animal being freed from a cage or a bird soaring through the sky for the first time. It is a safe place where I feel zero judgement, where I am able to be at my rawest and purest form, to speak anything that comes to mind, ALWAYS. I am goofy, sarcastic. I am the person I wish everyone got the chance to see, that only a few get the pleasure of meeting. I am comfortable. I am soft. You offer love, kindness, and compassion. You are my rock. I love you and I miss you. 

Well champions, I did what I said I would. I copied each post verbatim as much as it pained me to have errors in grammar and sentence structure. Plus, it is also weird to see my writing raw and strung together in clumps without my added pizzazz, style and poetic language. Yet, all was necessary and everyone in the room will agree, it was great for the soul. Little testimonial before I leave you. I began the day with a heavy heart and my mind just running in a hundred different directions, none of which were positive. All of which were negative and detrimental to myself. The workshop was the beginning to me working through my shit in a healthier manner and I am ending the night with a lighter heart and a clearer mind because of it.
The workshop was magnificent and Natalie did a kick ass job. Hell, she inspired me to write the entire way home. Oh yeah, the hour drive back was spent keys to phone, google docs-ing it up like a straight up g…. And damn I always take it too far. In all seriousness, if you ever get the opportunity to hear her speak or pick her brain, you’re a lucky duck. She is filled to rim with wisdom and inspiration. I am so so very lucky to be able to call her a friend.

Go check her out dudes!  Natalie Karneef & Where The Hell Is Nat Instagram

once you are real. you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.
— The Velveteen Rabbit