Mom of the Squad

 Image courtesy of @josh.fish

Image courtesy of @josh.fish

Good afternoon my sweet, sweet champs. 

I am currently sitting in a towel post-shower with a dry, sunburnt face and a body that is low key sore from the week before. Not the point though, the point is to keep the posts rolling with the soft side because I am ready to get deep with it and that definitely works better as a lyrical line with the word “jiggy” haha. 

Anyways, I spent this past weekend in the desert with some rad individuals celebrating one in particular. Overall, it was a lovely adventure and it was great to be surrounded by so much laughter and love; but the desert always has a way of having my thoughts scatter in a million different directions. If I am being totally honest, my anxiety hit a high as I laid in my sleeping bag Saturday night with my heart racing, unable to drift to sleep until 5 or 6 in the morning. Disclaimer: I wouldn’t say I struggle with anxiety on the daily, rather it is situational and comes and goes. I tossed and turned for the rest of the morning, waiting for the rest of the crew to wake up and for the day begin. I eventually dozed off for an hour or so, but definitely woke up feeling raw, nauseous and ready for a hot shower and a mattress. 

Instead, I settled for a lengthy meditation high amongst the rocks as the crew climbed on; which in the grand scheme of things probably did more for me than the hot shower and mattress could have. Also, why I have rosy red cheeks haha. Yes, brown people can burn! Not the point though, the point is I need to become better at being aware of my own needs. 

For as long as I can remember, I have always been "Mom of the Squad" as my friends like to call it. I am the person everyone calls or texts when shit gets twisted or hits the fan, which used to be totally groovy. I thoroughly enjoy being the point of contact for those I love and adore for I believe I was put on this earth to help spread love, good vibes, and compassion (yes, I have a hippie mindset). Yet the older I get, the more chaotic my schedule gets and the harder it is to create a balance between my hustle, my "motherly" duties, my social life, and time for myself.  Plus if you know me at all, you can easily guess which one I prioritize the least. 

With that being said, this weekend was a period of growth as I processed a few thoughts I had pushed to the corners of my mind. The first and foremost being that I need to become comfortable asking for help when I feel like I am drowning. I am allowed to be taken care of. I am allowed the same amount of compassion and love that I show my friends (I don't know if allowed is the proper term, but I cannot think of anything else at the moment). 

You also don't have to tell me how obvious of a statement all of this is because logically I know, but I struggle with it because I always feel like the raw confession will be met with pity eyes; I don't feel broken or damaged, I feel like any other individual in his/her early 20's who is simply trying to figure some shit out. 

So yeah, only a rare few get the rawest version of myself and even then I hesitate with sharing. It is a thing and I promise I am taking the proper baby steps, it's just going to take me a moment. I am simply not used to being on the other side of things. 

A few other thoughts hit my brain, but I don't feel quite as comfortable sharing it publicly. Just know that I am taking the proper strides to putting myself first (for the first time in quite a long time) and to becoming the person I want to be; but also know that I am human and imperfect and stitched together with flaws. So yeah sometimes I am going to be a blubbering mess haha, but aren't we all?

 I, just like everyone else, am winging it as the days tick off on the calendar. My trick to life is to have an open mind and a compassionate heart so yeah I will leave you on that note. 

Keep on keepin' on champs!