Advocate of Silence
As I embark on this new chapter of my life, I often find myself honing deeper into a particular insecurity. I have yet to write or speak about it in great detail. Hell, I don’t even think I have scratched the surface. But life is all about stepping out of your comfort zone, right? So I accept this challenge life and I raise you. My mission is to create content that showcases who I truly am and to get raw and vulnerable with you. By doing so, I am giving you an all access pass to the corners of my mind and what I carry around in my heart. I vow to hold nothing back; no matter how silly or childish I may feel or appear.
What’s the big insecurity you ask?
For starters, I would never be publishing this type of content with my name attached to it. I have had more than a handful of blogs throughout the past four years, majority of which remained anonymous. If I had the balls to attach my name to the content, the content only stayed up for about an hour or so before taking it down or deleting the blog altogether. Yet after my big move to Los Angeles, I thought it would be rad to blog about my life and showcase my journey. Someone rad and near to my heart told me I had go for it. She gave me the extra kick in the ass I needed to begin this blog. I do not remember the conversation verbatim, but it went something along the lines of:
So here I am, sharing the intimate details of my life with a sea of strangers. I do not know how my writing impacts those who read it, but I am grateful for every single person who does. Most importantly, every day I am learning that my words are valid and worthy of being written and published into the universe.
So BAM! Casha - 1 and Insecurity - 0.
Now here is where shit gets tricky and kind of flip flop contradictory. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so confident right there huh?
I have a tendency to be insanely quiet around new individuals and groups. My quiet nature can be perceived in a variety of ways, but before I go down that rabbit hole, allow me to provide a little backstory. I have always been the quiet girl in the corner who listens and says very little. I am just so fascinated with everyone and everything around me to the point that I just want to absorb anything and everything that I can. I am like a sponge, but wiser than the one who lives in a pineapple under the sea. I just want to learn and grow endlessly. I am just so damn curious and intrigued by people and life itself, like I am getting all excited thinking about it.
Time to focus again. Now that you have the positive version behind my silence, I will bring you down a little to the negative. I for some oddball reason do not think what I have to say is worthy of being spoken. I have always struggled with confidence issues, but what young adult doesn’t? I mean that is a part of life, growing up and kind of figuring your shit out. Don’t get me wrong, I have grown fairly confident in some areas, just kind of stunted in others, this being the perfect example. When I am meeting someone for the first time or if I am attending a gathering, I have a tendency to get real real quiet and introverted. I aspire to show others the hilarious and outgoing version of myself that my friends see, but I don’t. I get deep into my head and convince myself that it is better to remain quiet. I mean, who can judge or criticize someone for being shy right? The answer is anyone, because perception is different than reality. I do not think it helps to have resting bitch face as a thinking/listening face either, so my sincerest apologies for that. I guess what I am trying to say is, I do not see the person everyone else around me sees. I see a totally and completely different version, someone who is a mere shell of herself.
While I am aware of the reasoning behind my silence, very few people are. I apologize to anyone I have ever offended with my shitty first impression. It is nothing against you, if anything I probably beat myself up afterwards wishing I had shown you the person I know I am. Rest assured, I am taking the proper strides to up my confidence level and better engage in social gatherings. I am learning every day to love who I am and to embrace it. My morning routine does wonders to enforce the positive vibes, uproot my confidence and remain in the present moment.
What is my morning routine you ask? Well friends my routine consists of four steps and occurs daily, regardless of what time I have to up and about. I will even set an alarm to ensure that I have the time to complete it and that is saying a lot my friends because I am not a morning person. I start each morning with morning pages. If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, you simply wake up, roll over and write three pages before getting out of bed or checking your phone. You can write about anything or you can write about straight nothing. Heck, you can write the same sentence for three pages if that is what you’re feeling. I add fluff by writing how badly I have to pee every single morning, no joke. Just let the words flow. P.s. curse my small handwriting because it takes me half an hour, but it is incredibly therapeutic so I forgive you handwriting. After morning pages, I write my affirmations like you would on a chalkboard in detention.
When I feel satisfied with the writing portion, I will read the affirmations aloud until I smile. I know my affirmations sound silly, you probably imagine the guy beating his chest in the mirror before a big date or game, but that shit works. When I notice myself sitting there smiling like an idiot, it is time move on and write what I am grateful for in the current moment. For example, “I am grateful for my parents. My parents talked me out of a potential anxiety attack last night and helped me reground myself. My parents are my rocks and I love them dearly. I am grateful that I wake up each morning healthy with mobility. Without it, I wouldn’t be having the time of my life in Bali. I am grateful for the 'Raddest Chicks in Bali.' These three women are total bad asses! They are truly an inspiration and I am forever grateful for their friendship, love, and support. I am growing every day, both personally and professionally with them by my side.” Following attitude of gratitude is meditation time. I meditate anywhere between twenty and sixty minutes based on the time I have available. My meditation can be done via apps, YouTube videos, or simply conducted by my own accords. And that my fellow friends, is a morning with Casha.
Now I will leave with you this final thought, insecurities are a bitch, but you’re a bad ass who can overcome anything and everything. That and a solid support system is a must. Surround yourself with individuals who love you, encourage you and push your ass to greatness. Bump that negativity straight out yo life.