A Confession Pt. 2

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I always felt like the best words to leave my fingertips and lips occurred when I was falling in love or falling apart, but I think every poet says that. It’s a cliche that rings true and it’s because of the amplified emotions that occur. If you have yet to fall in love or yet to have your heart broken by the person you’re undeniably in love with, I don’t know if you’re one of the lucky or unlucky ones. 

Love is a risk, a wonderfully terrifying risk that can change the course of your life. Love is one of the most powerful forces on this earth, a force to reckoned with if you will. 

To love and to be loved is a rare gem in this world. To find another soul who resonates so well with your own is remarkable and deserves to be cherished. 

I’ve always been told when I fall, I fall fast and hard, that it’s intimidating. Yet I don’t recall being the only person to fall at a rapid rate. It’s only when the happy go luck version that you love so much begins to swap places with the real version of myself does the love begin to fade. I think that moment, in both of my loves, made me silence myself off to future lovers because I was taught to hide the bits of myself that weren’t soaked with positive energy; because I was taught to hide everything with a smile and it’s fine. I allowed myself to be silenced by those I thought loved me when in reality, they could never grasp how to love someone like me. I am a world within a person, as are you and everyone else around you. 

So I built up a wall, cemented it with bricks and did my best to hide the parts of myself that make me, well me. Except now it’s seeping out in all of the wrong ways because I can’t figure out how to open my mouth, how to form sentences, how to ask for help. Because I’m stuck, only I didn’t realize it until now. Because I haven’t been put in this spot in a while so I haven’t had to deal with this shit. Only now I do because I cannot contain the emotions by myself anymore. I’m experiencing a lot of things for the first time, and I don’t have the comfort of home or the safety of my tribe. Because there are still moments where I feel completely alone in this vast yet marvelous city. 

I think that’s why CAMP fucked me up the way it did because I got a taste of what it was like to not feel totally alone for days. To meet with individuals who's minds were just as open as mine, who's hearts shined just as bright and that’s why it was life changing - because now I know that it exists in LA. 

If you're wondering where I'm stuck, it's because I haven't felt this deeply towards another individual since the last love. So now, it's all bubbling up to the surface of my mind and I cannot make the proper translations to my fingertips or my lips. But I can tell you that I'm trying my best.

This rant is taking many turns, but I am just kind of allowing the words to fall from my fingertips and stain the page. 

I also haven’t looked back to see the words I’ve already penned. 

All I know is, it feels so fucking good to write again, to truly write again. 

I think maybe that’s why I didn’ feel like myself because such a huge part of me was missing. 

But yeah, a wise person once told me to accept the ebb and flow of life - to accept the mountains and the valleys to be exact and to trust the universe. So I'm going to do that. I’m going to keep chugging along the only way I know how and allow what happens in life to happen.

Keep on keepin' on champs! 

Casha DoemlandComment